This is my story of how Jeff came into my life,and how I feel about him.
When my husband came home that day in 1997 and said Jeff Buckley died. I couldnt believe that was possible. I ran out and got a magazine,and there it was. I saw him once for a few seconds of last Goodbye on MTV and bought Grace the next day in 1995-I had never heard his name again til that moment. I treasured Grace, I thought he didnt make it in the business and never looked for him to be in town. Now he was dead.
I found out I was pregnant one month later I grieved and was devestated.But alone in my sorrow. I just looked to the future. Over a year passed. And there was word that a new Jeff Buckley album was out. I went an looked at it but honestly I couldnt think of hearing the end of another album--knowing this would be it. I bought it in 1999. As I pulled out of the driveway I listend to New Years Prayer, and I lost it--I was crying so hard my husband asked if I was alright, like he thought I was having a breakdown. It really hit me that moment.That song. It was real...so real.
On july forth 2000,We were listening to Grace on the way to fireworks. Suddenly I was overcome with sorrow. I was crying and I asked my husband couldnt they have Taped him filming Grace or something---SOMETHING. My husband could only hold me and probably wonder--is my wife a looney LOL. The next day I was itching for some Bjork. They didnt have the CD I wanted so i went to the videos. I looked at the 'B's and in my shock, and utter fantastic joy there it was LIVE IN CHICAGO!!! My birthday had been on the first-so I bought it, I was almost shaking!
I didnt watch it til 1:00 in the morning ,I couldnt--I knew how powerful it would be. I cried like a baby during the beautiful wonderful opening moments of Dream Brother-Kangaroo blew me away!--the voice with the body was too much the movement the life. and he was GORGEOUS. All this time I had 5 pictures--he was cute but this was different. His persona shone through live and it changed me-my outlook on him. It was no longer my little secret. it was bigger.
I had never thought to look for Sin-e', I thought it was unobtainable. I went to a little record shop and there it was, with MYSTERY WHITE BOY sitting right next to it!! I didnt know that there was a cassette!. As I looked at the video cover that night I saw a web address. I went the next day to a computer cafe-and looked him up. I cried seeing he came to my area 10 times between the time I bought Grace and when he died.I wrote my story,at the jeff buckley site,and I was really facsinated to learn more about his.
Luckily all this happened when it did. In 2 months from that initial video find-I went to the San fransico fan gathering. I met Mary,something I wont forget.And saw the documentary and cried. Seeing him in interviews is truly magic.So sweet,so beautiful.
So here I am 10 years since I bought Grace. I made a web page.I am devoted .And really, really angry. I am angry he went ot that night.Angry because they got lost and didnt go to dinner.Angry they hopped a fence.Angry because they took that stupid radio. Angry Jeff made the stupidist mistake of his life.Angry the friend didnt jump in and swim like the devil was after him.Angry the marina mantinance guy heard a cry,but didnt investigate. I look into Jeffs eyes in pictures and I am taken away-I think about him laughing,crying,eating. I have never ever dealt with death. No one I know.It is hard to look at a picture and think that the picture is as alive as they are going to get. In that one moment they were alive. Now they are gone.
Why do I feel so devestated. He wasnt my friend,he was a rock star right?? I feel that some people would feel this way-they dont know him. They havent seen the shining light that he was. To me is is more. He was always more when I listened.But when I saw him and heard him live. A feeling I never had came to me. It was devestaion.It was pure sorrow.It was permanent. These feelings dont go away. He is never coming back.It wont change.I feel myself everyday feeling sad about it not better. Yes I live my life I love my sons, I do normal things, have friends,I Live.but I think of Jeff everyday, I share his music and I keep My spirits up at my Jeff Buckley Board, with all the friends that I love,who love Jeff ,who I share my heart with. I am not alone anymore and I am glad I will never know that feeling again.
I have many things in my heart.Jeff Buckley is one of them. I cant say why he touched me,He doesnt touch everyone. I am just thankful he was even born to give himself to us,the short time it was.In a million, trillion years there will never be another. ever.
You do not HAVE to.But If you want to share your story anonymously please do, -it sometimes helps to know people feel the same. Thanks to all for reading. Love always, Dawn.
